The first time we met

A broken shard

You texted
Telling me
You were not ready for us
And
You were ready to give up

These words pierced through my heart like a sharp shard
My heart punctured
My soul shattered

Like a rag doll I walked on
But one look into my eyes and one would see

My heart was broken and my soul was lost
As the shard was still stuck there

I loved you because you were you

You walked into my life, our eyes met and we (or at least I) fell hopelessly in love with you.

I didn't even know you that well, like not even your job, your education, your family and all that.

But it didn't matter. In this life, in this world we are constantly vigilant, and that is tiring. Since you were not going to be my life partner, all these background checks and superficial stuff I couldn't care less.

All I knew was, you looked at me and you smiled, and you tried to convince me that your beautiful green eyes were actually kinda blue after knowing that I loved blue eyes. You were super soft spoken and patient and you never complained about the world. You held my hand when we walked together,  you gave me a warm hug when we met, you hugged me and always kept me in your arms when we were together. You listened to me even when I was just babbling, you laughed when I was cracking stupid jokes.

Yes, I was in love with you even without knowing your job or your true colours like my friends all said. But I know, I was in love with you because you were you and you were how you were when you were with me,  and I loved you as the beautiful person you were and that was all that mattered. You are you, you are not your job,  your certificates, your money, your friends, your belongings.

If I could,  I would still love you today. But you and I both know it is impossible.

It was surreal ...like a dream.

You and me, holding hands

I thought of you today and I was overwhelmed by sadness.

There I was, sitting on top of a magnificent temple overlooking beautiful plains with temples everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.

I was calm, feeling peaceful and happy. But then I saw them.

I saw them, an old couple holding hands, making their ways down the bottom of the temple. The man held the lady's hand tight in such a loving caring way, carefully leading her down the steps ...

They vanished from my sights as they descended.  But the image of them walking together,  especially the man leading the lady down the steps, brought back memories - memories of you and me.

You were shy, and awkward. You never showed your feelings and you were hopeless in making a decision. So despite the mutual feelings between us, you chose to avoid me and even disappeared for months altogether at one point.

But we were destined to be together, you and I both knew that.  So, by chance,  we bumped into each other.

The look on your face when you realised the girl who had just pushed open the door, entered the room and found herself standing next to you, I will always remember. You looked absolutely delighted yet surprised and relieved at the same time. So we met again,  both of us must hv been thinking,  and feeling amused.

You were more relaxed and friendly that night,  so we talked... awkwardly at first but much more friendly later. We talked and talked and talked,  bout work,  bout life,  bout everything... and as we were talking,  I could see that you had given up denying your feelings... you had decided to be with me. I could see that you had finally told yourself to take the leap of faith.

Hours had passed n it was time to leave, so you stood up and was going to start making your way through the crowd, but before you walked, you extended your right arm to reach for me. Surprised and overjoyed, I reached for your hand and let you hold my hand. 

You must have been nervous because instead of putting your arm ahead of mine, you did the opposite - my arm was in front of yours but you are walking ahead of me so basically you were twisting my arm. It was rather uncomfortable but I was too happy to correct you.

We walked through the crowd together, and it became really uncomfortable so I flung your hand.

What happened next I will always remember. So I flung your hand away and was gonna hold your hand back in a way I felt comfortable,  but before I managed to do so, you grabbed my wrist in a panic. Were you that afraid of losing me? I know you were. I had always known that despite your denial, despite your avoidance.  I was so happy to have confirmed your feelings,  so with a smile I reached for your hand and held it tight, our fingers entwined.  

Why you would give up on me I will never understand... When we will ever meet I could never stop wondering...

So here I am, sitting on top of a temple, under a pagoda,  with my eyes full of tears, I am thinking of you, my cute Australian boy with lovely green eyes, with the name which will forever make me frown,  Roger.

Waiting

Knowing someone isn't coming back
doesn't mean you ever stop waiting
Toby Barlow

I am still waiting,  waiting for the day that you will come back and I shall greet you with a smile and a warm hug... as though we hadn't spent months or years apart...

You and Miss Saigon

We used to chat every day...

But suddenly you stopped...

One day, after two days not hearing anything from you, a speech bubble popped up on my screen and your face appeared.
Would you ever know how overjoyed I was? You wouldn't,  but let me tell you here I was missing you miserably and I literally yelped when I saw the speech bubble. 

You: Hi peoples.
Me:???

You didn't reply,  instead you sent me a picture of a nice hotel room.

Me:??? (I was confused ecause you only stayed in hostels. )

You: I'm tired of hotels and the annoying bunch of people staying there, getting a nice room for a change.

Me: Nice room,  great for a date. Are you on a date?

You: Ya, me and my Miss Saigon.

Me: Jealous...

You didn't reply.

Moments later, you sent me a picture showing the ONE welcome drink and ONE hand towel from the hotel.

You didn't explain the picture and I didn't ask. My heart fluttered because you made an effort to show me that you were alone -- so that I could stop being jealous.

Sleeping in your arms

That night, I fell asleep early,  having had a long and busy week,  without barely any rest. I was already fast asleep when you were home. You got home from dinner with friends, got into bed, reached for me and hugged me in your arms.
I was half woken up, 'how was the dinner?' I asked.
'It was nice,'you replied, whispering, 'it's always nice to catch up with old friends,' Like a nice guy you are, nice is your favourite word, you like to say everything is nice... I smiled at your reply and happily I fell asleep again.

I must have been really tired because what felt like moments was actually hours... I opened my eyes again,  thinking that moments had passed but soon realised it was already morning. There I was, still in your arms,  my head resting in the nook of your neck, and my right hand being held by yours. It was time for me to get ready to work, so I tried to get up... I moved and that woke you up, you turned and hugged me, as if persuading me to stay longer, so I did stay for moments longer, enjoying being hugged by you and lying together with you.

Perhaps you don't remember a these details,  but I do, so... the memories are all mine.
I missed you every day and I think of you often. Do you feel the same? I'd have no way to tell so 9 could only imagine you do.

Thanks for the memories.

In love, maybe

You: I never thought I will miss someone like this and  have this kind of special feelings. I never thought you really existed.

Me: Yeah me too, I never thought someone like you really existed.

You: (replied an Inlove emoticons)

After I saw that emoticons with full of hearts flying around, I couldn't help but wonder if you were really in love at this moment. I was really curious (since we have never  said the three magic words).

Tell me a story

Me: Tell me a story.
You: What story?
Me: Any story.
You: I'm not good at telling stories.
Me:...
You: Okay, I'll try...
You'd say: One day... there was a little boy...
You'd say: One day ... there was a prince...
You'd say: One day, when I was travelling in... , I saw...

You will tell me a story,  and I will ask you questions and you will provide more details to your story and then we talk and talk.

You: Why do you always want me to tell you a story? I'm a quiet guy.
Me: ... *replied with a smile*

Because I like your voice,  silly. 
Because I want to talk to you.
Because I want to know you more.
Because I like it when you sink into your memories and recall all the beautiful things and people in your life. Your eyes will soften and your face will light up, you look really happy when you tell a story.

And that's what I want,  you being happy.

Thinking of you

You said: Miss you already.
You said: I will miss you.

Did you mean what you said?  Do you miss me? Do you think of me much? Ever?

I did.  I meant what I said.
I do. I think of you often and I miss you.

I won't tell you that I think of you often, I will only imagine telling you and picture your beautiful smile when you hear me say that, because in real life, you will probably frown or cringe or sneer.

I don't have the confidence or courage to show you my feelings... so I write... I write from my heart.
... I missed you when you'd gone.
... and I miss you every day.

No apologies - a poem

No Apologies

I struggle to remember your name.
You rarely ever cross my mind.
That day is a distant memory.
I'm not even sorry.

You don't remember my name.
I never cross your mind.
That day is a distant memory.
You're not even sorry.

Drinking - a conversation I remember

Sitting in a noisy bar, you shielding me from the rest of the world with your body angled towards me and your arm around my shoulder.
The waiter served us our drinks.
You: *stirred the drink with the straw, removed the straw, raise your glass* cheers!
Me: Why did you do that?
You: *gave me a slanted smile* because I'm a guy,  we don't drink with a straw, when a drink comes, you stir it with the straw and then you throw it away, and drink from the glass.
Me: *frowning* but I like straws, I like drinking with a straw!
You: *your smile widened* but you're a girl so it's different,  it doesn't matter, guy don't do that, people will laugh.
Me: *amused by your weird logic, charmed by your boyish smile*

You are my happiness - a conversation I remember

Me: Were you really crying the last two weeks that I wasn't here?
Him: Yes...
Me: Why?
Him: Because I thought I was going to lose you.
Me: Can't you live without me?
Him: I can... *long pause* but that would mean I'd have a great amount of happiness missing in my life. *looking serious* You are my happiness you know?

He put a drill into his head - a conversation I remember

We had been watching a movie but I was too tired so I decide to go to bed half way through the movie. You were enjoying the movie so much so you decided to continue watching anyway.

I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Don't know how many hours had passed when you finally finished watching the movie and came to bed. You climbed onto the bed, half-laughing. I woke up and opened my eyes and saw you getting ready to bed.
'How was the movie? Jim Carrey is super annoying in it' I said, adjusting myself into your arms.
'It was great, the ending was awesome,' you burst out laughing, 'the ending...' you laughed again, not able to bring yourself to finish the story, 'he had a drill in his hand, and he said 'I'm going to put this drill into my head' and he did! And his eye...,' you chuckled then started laughing again. 'It's funny. You should watch it.'
'What did he do? A drill?' I asked in disbelief and grogginess.
'He put the drill into his head,' you repeated, laughing again, 'it's so funny,' and then, like a child, you repeated the story again. Just like a location joke, I couldn't really find it funny so I just pretended to listen and smile, amused by your excitement over Jim Carrey's acting and the silly scene.
'He's so funny, it's so stupid,' you said, 'he put a drill into his head, and he said, it's dangerous and I might lose one of my senses, leaving me with only five,' you tried to tell the story again, still laughing, this time adding more details. I continued listening but falling asleep at the same time.
'Never mind,' you said, after noticing me dozing off, 'you have to watch it to understand why it is funny,' then you pulled me into your arms, held my hand tightly on your chest and we both were slowly falling asleep.

I remember this conversation because like a child you were very excited over a funny scene in a movie and simply wouldn't stop trying to retell the story. It was funny to watch and I loved your boyish behaviour.

Walking with you

You walk fast, I don't.

Well, I do too, but because you are so super tall, in comparison I walk much slower.

So, walking with you, I am always lagging behind.

And... you will notice and ... stop. Noticing me trying to keep up with your pace, you will either
1) raise your eyebrows and make a face at me
2) smile extremely gently at me

An then, you will reach out for my hand, you will take my hand and pull me towards you, so that I can walk together with you again, side by side.

Sometimes, you will just give up and say to me, teasingly, 'Do you want a piggy back ride?'

Just because you don't say it, doesn't mean that I won't know you love me

You are an introvert, I know.

But, just because you don't say it, doesn't mean I can't feel your love.

You love is shown...

...in the way you look at me.

...in the way your face lights up when you see me.

... in your embarrassed smile when we sit together.

...in the way you hesitate to take my hand.

...in the way you hold my hand so tight.

...in the way you talk to me. I can see your pain when you are choosing to share your troubles with me.

...in the way you hug me. I can feel how much you miss me and how much you don't want to let  go.

... in the way you worry about my safety and keep asking where my car is parked.

... in the way you apologise when you can't walk me home.

.. in the way you promise me things. The genuine and sincere voice of yours lets me know that everything you say is true.


So, I don't doubt that you love me.

I have never for a moment doubted you.

I know you and I trust you, because I love you too.

I know you love me when...

I know you love me when...

...you wake up the unconscious me just to feed me some soup so that I won't starve to death.

... you happily show me the floor cleaner you have bought and tell me that you have bought more bcz it's buy one free one. You say it's a good deal and you grin while waiting for me compliment.

... when you remember what I like better than myself.

... when you run back from the door just to kiss me goodbye before going to work.

... when you haven't bought one single shirt for yourself yet have bought numerous dresses for me.

...when you drain your brain juice to think of creative ways to fit as many vegetables as possible in one dish.

... when you voluntarily do the laundry while I am absorbed by the TV show.

...when you say I can pick anything I want.

...when you keep me safe in your arms.

你的体贴, 我今天才知道

 我们到达目的地了。我下车, 锁门。你不走。
你看着车里散落一地的值一点钱的杂物,叫我把门打开。
你说, 你车里有很多东西啊, 体重机,jumpstart cables,漂亮的鞋子,怎么不藏好呢? 你不是说这里治安不大好吗? 不会有人觊觎这些东西,敲碎车镜,把它们偷走吗?

我没好气,笑了,说:哎,这又不是什么值钱的东西比如说金啦,钱啦,包包啦,电脑啦。 没有人会敲碎车窗就为了几双鞋子或一个破烂体重机。

你沉默了,紧抿这嘴,沉思了片刻。突然,你打开车门,忙碌的整理起我的车。 你把我的体重机和jumpstart cables稳妥地藏在两个车座下,你把我的鞋子统统丢到车后厢里。 完了, 你再看了我的车子一遍,把车后座上的剩下的杂物全部拿走藏好。你看着空荡荡的车厢,总算是满意了,你把车门关上,转过头来,高兴地对着我笑,就像个孩子。

我没好气地瞅着你,说:it's just shoes.你伸手过来揽着我的肩膀, 说:But  those are nice shoes. 你又说; 我教你, 车里的东西要藏好,其实车里不可以放东西呢,别人看到了会敲破你的车境。

当时的我不明白,觉得你这个美国大男孩是不是觉得马来西亚是超级危险的国家因而想太多了。

今天,我在读着你的关于你的城市的介绍, 读到这一段:

A note on safety: unfortunately SoMa has had a consistent bout with nighttime theft and violence. The annoying but fairly harmless car window “smash and grabs” by homeless people are an almost nightly occurance. If you park on the street in this area, leave nothing in view in your car; either bring it with you or lock it away in your trunk. The more serious crimes have been random but still happen from time to time.

我恍然大悟,我也知道了当天紧戚着眉头,努力地收拾我的车的你其实是很关心很疼我的。

想到你的心思,我笑了。
你对我的体贴,我今天才算是知道了。

Quotes about Missing Someone

So for now,
I will miss you like I’ll never see you again,
And the next time I see you,
I will kiss you like I’ll never kiss you again,
And when I fall asleep beside you
I will fall asleep as if I’ll never wake up again,
because I don’t know if I will.
I don’t know if I will.

- I Will Love You Like The World Is Ending

Charlotte Eriksson

Knowing someone isn't coming back
doesn't mean you ever stop waiting

Toby Barlow

If You want know how much i miss u,Try to catch a rain drops,The ones you catch is how much you miss me, and the other you miss is how much i miss you

Irak Ibrahim Hussain Didi

I try to remember everything, every thing, but sometimes I forget something. I don’t even know what it is sometimes, but I know it’s not coming to me, something about him isn’t coming to me and when that happens, when a piece is missing, it makes me crazy. I don’t know what to do with that.

Adam Berlin

How often had she wondered what would have happened if she'd remained with Jonathan? Not often, but regularly over the years. It was impossible not to have imagined that rejected future, a life of many countries, of vast and enduring adventure, of tiny rooms and rental houses. It was the sense of missed opportunity that returned to her, frightening but real, overwhelmingly real.

Michael Stein

All I can think about is what she must be doing, and how I wish she were still here.

Pittacus Lore

They say when you are missing someone that they are probably feeling the same, but I don't think it's possible for you to miss me as much as I'm missing you right now

Edna St. Vincent Millay

遇见你

遇见你我变得很低很低,一直低到晨埃里去,但我的心是欢喜的。并且在那里开出一朵花来。--张爱玲

我可以为了你细心打扮就为了你多望我一眼，无论朋友们说你是多么不值得。
我可以为了你坚持地去你可能回去的地方，尽管我不是每回都能那么幸运的可以遇见你。
我可以为了你日日夜夜等待你的回信，你短短的几行字，我不停的不停的看了读了无数遍。我可以很虔诚的读着你写的一字一句，像是信徒们想要参透天书一般，想要读出你字里行间的深意。尽管我很清楚的知道你并没有那么神秘的心思。
我可以为了你傻傻地期盼那不可知的未来，我可以傻傻的守候着，相信着我们的约定。我变得很低很低，我知道，因为我迫不及待想要再见你，因为我把你看作我生活的重心。

我变得很低很低，但我的心是欢喜的。我喜欢着你，所以我变得卑微，你也喜欢着我，你不会让我卑微地爱着你。你宠着我，把我宠上天，把我照顾地无微不至，费尽心思的逗我开心，因此我不再卑微了。因为你也喜欢着我，我变得娇贵了。

I Miss You

The places that we walked together hand in hand
I still can't bring myself to revisit with another company
As the places are still full of the fresh memories of you and me 
I want to keep these memories unharmed, untouched
I dread to see those precious memories be overlapped with new ones

When I see the chair, I want to remember you sitting there
When I see the path, I want to remember you walking quickly in front of me
When I see the paintings, I want to remember you standing there,frowning, watching them closely
When I see the stairs, I want to remember you walking really fast in front of me and leaving me behind then finding me getting upset then quickly slowing down to accompany me

Perhaps one day, when I really miss you, I will go there, but on my own
And spend a great deal of time thinking of you, missing you

I will not tell you how I feel because you probably don't want to know it

I will not bother you with my feelings because you don't need to know it

I will probably never tell you my feelings for you because I can see you don't like me as much as I like you

I will, however, keep missing you because that's what my heart wants to do and that's what it can do

You must know how silly I am

You must know, you must know, that every time I write to you, I will be foolishly waiting for a reply.
You must know, you must know, that every time I don't get a reply from someone I care about, my heart breaks a little.

Hence, you always reply to me, doesn't matter where you are, doesn't matter what time of the day it is, doesn't matter how short the reply is. Because you know, I will be waiting, and your reply will warm my heart.

You must know, you must know, that silly as I am, even though I have written you something that doesn't require a reply, I will still be waiting to hear from you. So you know you have to write something. So you do. You always do.

You just did.

:)

That was your reply. Just a simple smiley face but it was enough, enough to make me like you even more.

A conversation I remember - what do you like?

Sitting in a brightly lit Chinese restaurant at 4 o'clock in the morning... (How did we get there, that's another interesting story)

Me: *sitting next to my friend who was just observing the whole situation and feeling amused by me firing questions at his friend* 'So, my girlfriends (so named as Anne and Selina in this blog post) are talking forever in the bathroom, I'm sure they are having a girl-talk of some sort. So... we... probably have a long time to wait. You are so quiet, why don't we talk more? Tell me about yourself.'

Him: *feeling annoyed but not really showing it, looking calm* 'I don't like to talk, what do you want to talk about?'

Me: 'How about this, I will ask you questions and you answer me.' *switching into an English teacher conducting a speaking test mode*

Him: 'Ok, ask me.' *looking I-really-don't-care*

Me: 'What's your name? Where are you from?'

Him: 'I'm ___ I come from ___.' *frowning, looking slighted as it was the third or fourth time he had to answer these questions that night*

Me: 'Tell me about your hometown, your home country.'

Him: 'There's nothing.'

Me: 'There's nothing in your home country? What do you mean? It's such a huge country and it's famous for so many things.'

Him: *shrugged* 'There's nothing, nothing much.'

Me: 'Fine. Let's talk about something else. What do you do here in your free time?'

Him: *shrugged* 'I go to work and... nothing.'

Me: 'Nothing again?' *turned and looked at my friend, and stared at him incredulously, but all I got was an I-couldn't-care-less-smile from him*

Me: 'Fine, let's talk about something positive, something happy. What do you like? Tell me something that you really like!'

Him: *without hesitation, without a second-thought* 'I like Anne.'

Me: *eyes bulging out* 'What!!??'

Him: *as-a-matter-of-factly* 'I like Anne yeah. I really like her.'

Me: *broke into a smile, and suppressed an 'awwwww'* 'That's so sweet.'

Him: *shrugged and smiled a slanted smile as if it wasn't a big deal*

The First Time We Met - 2

So my friend got drunk and decided it was a good idea to go for some fresh air in the streets at 4am in the morning, and silly enough, you friend thought it was a great idea as well. And so, she dragged him out of the place and vanished into the streets!

I freaked out!

'Follow them, quick!' I said in a panicked voice.

You chuckled, maintaining your cool as always and then quickly resumed your serious looks, 'let's go after them.' You held my hand and we walked out of the place together. Before we managed to step out of the entrance, you asked me to wait. You went to your crew and told them where you were going. You're responsible and I like that about you.

As soon as you came to me, we ran out of the place together.

To my relief, my friend and your friend were just sitting on the floor, nearby where we'd been.

To my surprise, they were still holding hands and my friend looked better.

'How are you?' I asked, but she didn't answer.

'How is she?' I asked, this time sounding annoyed and looking at your friend.

'She's fine, better now after some water,' he replied, meekly. I must have been intimidating.

'Alright, let's go somewhere where we could sit and talk,' you said, casually but not with a sense of authority that you could easily muster.

We all agreed and started walking to the only restaurant still open at the wee hours in the morning not so far away. We could see the neon lights blinking  - it wasn't at all appealing, but that's our only choice.

On the way there, my shoes were acting out, my beautiful expensive leather flats! They simply refused to cooperate with my feet and many a times I had to stop and fix them.

Our beloved friends were walking way ahead of us, happily, oblivious to everything and anything in the surrounding. You noticed me lagging behind so you stopped. 'Are you okay?' you asked, softly, your eyes are smiling.

'No,' I chuckled, half annoyed, half amused, 'I can't walk, my shoes keep falling.'

'Need a piggy back ride?' you offered, with a boyish grin.

'No!' I snapped back, feeling ridiculed, 'I am too heavy for that.'

'No, you're not' you said, laughing out loud, 'I am twice as heavy as you are, come on.'

You stood in front of me, lowered your body and invited me to climb onto you. So I agreed, I climbed onto your back, holding your broad shoulders. It was amazing how high up  I was, and everything looked so different. I suddenly started laughing, a laugh so hearty which I hadn't heard for days if not weeks. You started walking or perhaps marching. You walked so quickly until within seconds we overtook the couple who were happily, leisurely strolling in front of us.

Do you remember that night? When you and I and your friend and mine first met? Perhaps you don't, but I do and my friends do. And I will forever remember the moments you gave me a piggy back ride and how steady and fast your steps were,  how confident and high-spirits you were, and how happy and silly we all were. All five of us...

Thanks for the memories.

The First Time We Met - 1

It had been a bad day for me. How bad? Don't even get me started.

So, I decided to go for a night out with these two lovely and bubbly travellers who were staying with me. Next to their chirpy, cheerful selves, I, the quiet one, was pale in comparison. But it didn't matter, one of them was leaving the next day so I decided to have a GREAT night out with them. 'Tonight is the night! Tonight is our night' I said to myself.


It wasn't our night.

Or, at least, it didn't seem like it at first.

The bar/club was empty, except a few tables full of rounchy guys and a stage full of scantly-clad girls screaming a.k.a singing. We saw some interesting people but they were leaving one by one. The cute guys and hot girls were leaving one by one. And the waiters kept, yes, kept forgetting our orders.

So we gave up waiting for our orders and decided to order straight from the bar instead. We moved to the pool / snooker area next to the bar. I bought my traveller friends a bucket of beer and I suggested playing beer-pong. The Asian traveller, Ivy, had never heard of it so me and the North American traveller, Nyx, were teaching her how to play. Oh my my, she looked hopeless in playing beer-pong. She kept missing the cups and throwing the ball to weird places. It was so funny you wouldn't believe it, her usual confident self was gone, but replaced by a childish helpless one.

Then, out of nowhere, you and your friend showed up.

What were you wearing, let me think. You were wearing a black top and jeans while your friend was wearing a white top and jeans. Your friend, the confident one, seemed very interested into playing beer-pong and teaching us how to play, so we ended up letting him and Ivy play beer-pong together, while me and Nyx started playing pool. You, however, chose to sit there, with a drink and your cigarettes, calming observing everything with your slanted smile and your nonchalant looks.

We finished a game and I won! I was feeling great. Your friend wanted to play pool too, I figured he wanted to show off his skills to Ivy so we passed the pool sticks to them. Nyx and I felt tired so we grabbed a chair and sat next to you. Suddenly, all three of us became the audience to the pool / dating / flirting game that your friend and Ivy were playing. It was amusing to watch, we wouldn't stop laughing.

Amid watching the two soon-to-be lovebirds playing and how your friend play pool exceptionally well, Nyx suddenly had a brilliant idea.

'Let's do shots!' she yelled, 'it's Ivy's last night here and you've had a bad day, we should celebrate!!!' you could actually heard the multiple exclamation marks in her excited cry.

'Are you sure?' I cringed. You, of course, remained quiet and continued observing everything and everyone.

'Of course!!!' Nyx yelled again, 'I will have a vodka sprite, what are you having?'

'Dunno,' I shrugged, grinning nervously and politely.

'Tequila then!' Nyx decided.

'I'll have one as well,' you spoke, breaking the silence for the first time.

Nyx efficiently and excitedly hailed down a waiter and got our drinks. Without hesitation, you paid for all the drinks.

Nyx downed her vodka almost immediately, while you and I took the tequila shots together.


Looking back, it was probably not the best idea to mix sadness, beer and tequila together. Cheap / fake tequila especially.


The room started to swirl and spin.


As soon as I drank the tequila shot, I felt incredibly ill. I tried to sit straight but my body wouldn't let me. I felt incredibly dizzy and sick, I bent down, rested my head on Nyx's lap. You reached for my hand and held it tight with both of your hands, I sat back up, this time resting my head on my arms.You kept my balance and I managed to feel better with your support. Nyx magically produced a bottled water out of nowhere and both you and her persuaded me to drink it. I knew it would be a good idea but I simple couldn't  do so. I kept saying later later, but eventually I forced down a couple gulps of water, yet it didn't help.

Ivy and your friend noticed that something was going on so she came by, dragging your friend along. 'What's happening?' she said, accusingly and not sounding happy.

'She's drunk,' you replied.

'Why? What did you do?' she said, irritated.

'She did a tequila shot, and instantly got ill' Nyx explained.

'Why would you order her tequila? How many?' Ivy continued firing questions at you.

'I ordered that for her, but only one shot and she became like this, it was only one shot!' Nyx explained for you before you had the chance to say anything.

'Take care of her,' Ivy ordered Nyx and you.
'Take care of her,' your friend/boss ordered you.

I could barely recall anything. All I could remember was you hands holding my cold hand tight and you trying hard not to let me fall. I felt safe, I felt secure, I felt protected in the spinning room, in my dizzy drunkness.

That was the first time we met, I immediately became drunk after one shot of tequila, how embarrassing was that? And I remained drunk for hours, you immediately held my hand and made sure I was alright, and you never let go of my hand.

If you wonder why I chose to be with you, here's why, you saw me in a terrible state yet you didn't hesitate to take care of me, to protect me. You touched my heart that night and because of that I am forever yours.

男生对女生的体贴 － 2

冬夜，吃火锅。大家嚷着要喝酒取暖。
不知是谁巴巴的去买了一瓶劣级的五粮液。乘兴大家都该干一杯。
你看着我高兴的在倒酒喝，认真地说：不许喝多了哦。
小孩子脾性，却也懂得照顾人。
那一次的旅行我不大记得了，唯一印象深刻的是我一个女生和几个率直的男生在吃火锅和羊肉串。当时我就知道你以后的女朋友会很幸福的。

我和你是没有结果的

人是很喜欢追求结果的, 尤其是在感情上。
什么是结果呢?如果结果是一切都尘埃落定而不再有变数的话,那么在一起不是结果, 结婚也不是, 离婚也不是结果。世事多变,万般无常, 看似稳定的, 万无一失的, 也可能一瞬间就变了样。

我和你是没有结果的, 除非我们他日葬在一起, 不然我和你有的只是过日子的缘分, 我的日子里有你,你的日子里有我。能见面的你我, 互相陪伴,一起吃饭, 逛街。。。逛街的时候我陪你去看电器,你伴我去挑鞋子。我累了你收拾,你乏了我打扫。

不能见面的你我,分别的时候要好好地自己过日子,直到相聚的那日, 点头一笑解千思万念, 然后互相说笑笑,我听你发牢骚,你听我说故事。你逗我笑,我替你消气。

所以,我和你是没有结果的。我们有的只是当下, 我选择每一个当下都要和我喜欢的人好好地过, 那就是我每一天的结果。

比他更好的

女孩喜欢上了刚认识不久的男孩。男生不爱说话，什么心思都收在心里。女孩猜不透他，直到那天他紧紧牵着女孩的手不放时，她才知道男生也是很在乎她的。

不过，有意离开这个让他伤心失望的国家的男生，终究选择了不开始就结束。

女孩被丢下了，一个人怔怔的站在原地。想哭，却又哭不出来。

看着伤心的她，朋友说：别哭了，你会遇到更好的。

她苦笑。

朋友也苦笑,她也是同病相怜，说：我知道，大家都这么说我和他。说我可以遇到更好的，他是那么的平凡，又不帅又不高， 随便找都可以找到比他更好的。可是我就是只喜欢他， 不想也不能去找另一个。

喜欢就是喜欢了。虽然是因为他的好才会一见倾心，可是也不能说喜欢他就独独因为他的优点，更不可能只因为有比他更好的人出现就可以把他随便代替掉的。喜欢他是因为他是他 - 所以才喜欢他的一切。喜欢他的体贴，可是不能说遇见更体贴的人就可以不喜欢他了，喜欢他的安静，那是不是但凡安静的人就可以代替他了呢？当然不能，那是不可能的。

我等你，不是因为我要等你，而是我现在除了伤心，我什么都不能做，所以我就只能静静地把自己关起来，等你回来。

有一天我等累了，我没那么爱你了，我的心不再痛了，我就可以去找，去找比你更好的。

Don't go

'Don't go,' she said, out of the blue.
'...' he froze, not knowing what to say. He looked at her,  part of him feared that she was gonna be yet another clingy girl.

Sensing his fear, she laughed, happily she said 'you know I'm not serious right?  Of course I know you have to go but I just wanna say it. I just wanna be silly and ask you not to go. I just wanna be naive and childish. '

'Oh... ok,' he replied, feeling relieved, and broke into a gentle smile.
'Don't go,' she said again.
'I won't,' he replied,  this time knowing what she wanted to hear.
She laughed,  happy like a child.
'Don't go,' she said once again.
'I will stay here,' he promised,  with zero ounce of sincerity in his words.
She laughed,  and he started laughing too, silly as a bunch of kids.

Days later, his flight tickets were booked and it was confirmed that he would leave soon.

'I'm leaving tomorrow night,' he said.

'Oh...' she responded, the time had finally come. 'Okay... that's soon,' she was shocked, and despite her smile, her sadness was apparent.
'Don't look sad,' he said,  not liking what he saw.
'Don't go,' she said, trying to sound casual.
'Stop it,' he said, slightly frowning, having sensed her unhappiness.
She bit her lips to stop the tears from falling, took a deep breath, faked a smile,  'don't go.'
'Stop it,'he said, a bit irritated.
She stopped saying it, pursing her lips.
There was an awkward silence in the room, deafeningly loud.

Hours before his departure...
'Don't go,' she said again,  this time with a smile.
'...' once again,  he didn't know what to say.

Moments later he said,  'what am I to do here?'
Stiffling a chuckle,  she said,  smiling from cheek to cheek, 'you know I am very realistic and jaded right? Of course you're not gonna stay here. That's nothing for you to do here. That wasn't a serious question, imagine the real world didn't exist and money or obligations didn't matter... don't go.'
'Ok,' he was relieved and replied quickly.
'Don't go.'
'Ok!'
'Don't go.'
'Ok!'
He reached for her hand, held it tightly, and rested it on his chest and they both sank deep in thoughts.

Tears welled up in her eyes as that went on but she pretended that she wasn't feeling sad and he pretended not to have noticed her crying.

'Don't go.'
'Ok!'

They both smiled.

Romance on the road

**a guest entry by a friend of mine**

I woke up feeling refreshed and renewed. I had experienced the loneliest day yesterday in my four months of travel. It was the first time in a long time that I had been alone. Just me. I went on a hike for a few hours just out of town to clear my mind. Upon returning to my dorm, I noticed that two previously vacant beds were now occupied. One was a middle aged man. The other...he was in his early 30s. I found him attractive the first time I saw him. Dark brown hair, medium build, glasses, and a big smile. We were both sitting in the common area later that evening and he decided to tell me about a dilemma he was in. There's a girl back home that might be "the one" and she can't wait any longer for him. He was considering cutting his trip short and going home for this girl. So I talked to him about it for a while. He apologized for venting to me. I told him it was okay because I enjoy listening to people and trying to help them. The second day, we all went out for dinner. The girls (a German, a Malay and I) were talking about how rude it was to have sex in a dorm. The two men at the table didn't say a word during this discussion. After dinner, I bought one carrot. It is a healthy snack and I was taking the bus to a different city the next day. He made a dirty joke asking, "What are you going to do with that carrot tonight?" I didn't understand it at first, then blushed and laughed when it clicked. That was the beginning of endless dirty jokes shared between us. We ended up staying in the same hostel the next two nights. We had lunch and dinner together. It was all very platonic. At this point I didn't think I had much in common with him. So I spent the day on my own and made plans for myself to go to the next country. The next day, we hiked at a National Park and that's when I realized we did get along. He was just really considerate. I liked that. He cut his stay in that city a day short and I decided to stay on an island with him to see something different. He was looking up places to stay and he was getting so excited to stay at a place by the beach. The excitement in his eyes and the enthusiasm in his voice was endearing. I told him to choose whatever place he wanted because it made him so happy. He chose a place by the beach with a double bed. I asked if it was one bed and we had to share or if we got our own beds. He said he didn't know. I later found out this was the moment he realized that we might have sex at some point. We got up early the next morning for the bus. This journey, to me, was when we bonded as friends. We were talking about everything. We were unbelievably honest and forthcoming with personal information. This was all new to a girl like me who is usually very guarded and reserved with intimate details. We joked and teased each other. He started to squeeze me knee/lower thigh area. I giggled every time he did that. He thought it was cute when I giggled so he would squeeze my legs more. There was a moment when we were waiting to get off the boat. We were talking about something, I don't remember what it was, then he brushed his hand on top of mine. It wasn't long but I noticed. This was when I knew the friendship would not stay platonic for long. We arrived on the island and got into the room.I realized it was one bed and out own bungalow. Uh oh. We were laying down and he asked if I would like to come closer to him. I said, "sure," and moved into his arms. He was rubbing my back, my arms, and petting my hair, caressing my face. It felt familiar. Then he asked if it would be okay if he kissed me. I whispered, "of course." We kissed. He was an amazing kisser. I was straddling him not long after that. Both of us kept saying we shouldn't, but didn't stop right away. Finally, he said we needed to stop. So we did. And spooned. We both fell asleep. The next morning he told me the reason he stopped was because he wasn't ready for a relationship and didn't want me to develop feelings. He said girls tend to get involved after sex. I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship either and I'm not the type to get attached easily. He understood and was relieved. We ended up having sex that morning. The night before we left for the next island, I noticed he didn't give me any indication that he was interested. I was really moody because I felt rejected in a way. And he was sad because he was thinking about this girl back home. Imagine how internally annoyed I was that I didn't think he was interested in me anymore after we had sex, and he decided to talk to me about how he was thinking of the girl. We spent the whole day together. He said he had a great day. An amazing day. But she just popped up and he was sad. I tried to be a good friend and we talked about his feelings for more than an hour over mango shakes. We went back to the bungalow for dinner and I had a few drinks because I felt used for sex. A feeling I had experienced during this trip and actively tried to avoid again.

He kept telling me how cute I was during dinner but I thought he was being polite. We eventually went back to the room. I was lying down on the bed. He crawled on top of me and kissed me. I thought it would be more. He pulled away and got ready for bed. What a tease. So I showered and went to bed. The next day he told me he thought about having sex with me when he kissed me last night but he didn't want to take advantage of me because I had been drinking. I told him that was sweet of him but he should have done it anyway. It would have been consensual. We moved on to the next island. I fell asleep in his arms on the ferry there. I was never an affectionate person. It was different though. I wanted him to hold my hand, hug me, and out his arms around me. Weird. I spent the next few days working towards my Advanced Open Water Certificate. I was excited to hear about his day. He was more excited to hear about mine. and so we excitedly shared out stories like little children. We spent three nights on that island. There was an undeniable attraction between us. The touching, the looks, and the words we shared were just between us. We were two people walking around with guilty smiles. It was fun. It was easy. It was real. For now. Him and I actually had very similar views on relationships, work ethic and raising children. There was one time we were sitting together in silence. He said that he liked that we can sit there not talking and still be comfortable. That same conversation was also when I told him the reason I can have sex without developing feelings is because I am just like that and I couldn't see a relationship working out between us. I knew we wouldn't work out in the real world. We were only ever meant to be friends. He made sure I drank lots of water. "Drink, little lady," he stated. He held my hand when we crossed the street. He always took care of me. We are still in contact weeks later. As friends. We update one another on new things in our lives. He is moving to a new apartment, started a new job, and is moving on from the girl. I am still traveling. He invited me to visit him in his home country. Maybe next year. I do daydream about him from time to time. After all, he was my first travel boyfriend and I am his "good girl".

Saying Goodbye

I remember me standing there,  looking at you walking towards me.
I remember I was feeling calm, 'hey, I'm actually feeling okay,' I said to myself, 'maybe I will do okay this time around,  maybe I won't cry.'

You walked to me, and with your usual smile on your face, you pulled me closer to you, wrapping me in your arms.

A moment of silence as none of us knew what to say...

You held me close, I buried my face on your chest, you rested your chin on the top of my head.  A few moments later, you gave me a really tight hug, squeezing me with your strong arms. I knew it was your way of saying goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye... 'I will never be able to see him again' that thought crossed my mind and hit me hard. And so incontrollably, I started crying. 

Tears just wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks. I hated myself for crying because I really didn't want you to see it, I really didn't want to make it hard for you. I knew for a fact that despite everything,  despite we both knew what we were getting ourselves into, it was not easy for you to leave.

'Don't cry,' you said, sounding a bit guilty and very concerned.

'... ... I'm not crying,' I mumbled defiantly.

I pulled myself away, walked away from you, wiping away my tears,  sorting out my tangled messy hair, then turned to face you again, with a smile on my face.

You hugged me again,  maybe because you knew I was terribly sad and really needed your hug, maybe because you were sad yourself and really wanted to hug me. And in your arms,  I broke into tears again,  sobbing heavily despite my best efforts. You chest heaved up, I knew that you were taking a deep breath to calm down, so I looked up, and I saw you looking sad, almost tearing up.

'It doesn't get any easier,  does it?' I asked, feeling amused by the situation, by life's cruelty when it comes to destiny, by my helplessness in trying to keep people around me. And you, you'd said goodbyes many times to people yet it didn't seem any easier for  you.

'No, it doesn't,' you replied, a bit defeatedly. Then you smiled gently at me. 'Happy days,' you said,  holding me close, 'we'll keep in touch,' you said and I chuckled at your words, you and I both know that meant nothing much. 'Maybe I will show you my country one day,' you said, and I nodded obediently,  acknowledging your sincerity in the offer and promising to visit you -- disregarding the slim chance.

'So... I'll go....take care and... I'll see you when I see you,' finally you said. One last embrace and you took the luggage and started walking towards the station while I started walking towards my car. 'Don't look back, don't look back,' I said to myself, but I did look back and so did you. Once... twice... three times until it was too far and it became impossible to glance back.

I got into my car, the journey home was full of tears.

That was the last time I saw you, I don't think I will ever see you again. No, I know I will never see you again.

A Look Full of Love

It was a cold night with rain drizzling, I was sitting in my usual meet up point, waiting for a pair of travellers. I said a pair,  not a couple,  because I only knew that they were a girl and a young man travelling together,  but I had no idea if they were together.

They were late, which they later told me that the taxi driver had taken them for a detour. So I had to wait. I had waited for about 20 minutes when suddenly I heard a chirpy cheerful voice calling my name: Felicia! Sorry we're late!

I turned and looked. A young girl with brilliant green eyes and fiery red hair put in a plait was looking at me, she gave me a hug and continued apologising. Before I managed to reply I saw a very tall figure appearing - a very tall young man carrying a huge backpack was walking into the restaurant,  following the girl.

He smiled and introduced himself.  Feeling curious, I asked: "So... are you two..." I swallowed the word 'together' when I looked up and saw the young man's face. To this day I will not forget the way he gazed at the girl,  his was gazing at her, lovingly,  softly, and utterly in love and hopelessly admiring her even though she
was just talking to me, standing in a brightly-lit Indian restaurant. He couldn't help showing his love, it was impossible to hide. 

I smiled and I greeted him,  he looked at me briefly and we made a small talk but then his girl continued talking and he resumed his silence and just looked at her with a smile so cute and eyes so gentle ... it made my heart melt.

That's all I remember the most from this lovely couple. I didn't think it would affect me until recently - I was introduced to my friend's new beau (the pair of them apparently are so in love) - and when I met him,  to my surprise,  I saw nothing comparable to what I had seen on the young traveller, I didn't see love, I saw interest,  I saw pride, I saw amusement, like my beautiful friend is his new toy, new arm candy, new trophy...

My heart sank.

I told you this, you said: I would say something to her despite everything.

But you know I wouldn't,  so I didn't and I haven't...

And I hope I was wrong but I think I was right... :(

Happy Accidents - Thanks for the memories

Call me resilient, call me silly, call me stubborn but I am not afraid to love and I am not afraid to be hurt (it sucks when it happens but it's really better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all).

Meeting you was never my intention, falling in love was never part of my plan, hearing you deciding to leave was a terrible shock, recovering from losing you was just an insufferable process.

Still, with my aching heart, I could  muster a smile because in this vastly huge world, we crossed paths, we loved but sadly and unfortunately, you had to leave so we parted.

These were happy accidents. They are beautiful pages in my mental scrapbook - I don't make scrapbooks, but I do collect memories - tiny beautiful memories - moments I spent with people I have loved and lost.

Anything you can imagine is real but I would never be able to imagine you if I had never met you. Having met you, I would always remember your everything. Your smile, your touch, your kiss - all these are the tokens I collect in all my adventures of love.

Thanks for the memories.

I will never see you again

You said apologetically: 'My friend is in trouble so I really have to go now. I'm flying back to my country next Tuesday for Christmas. I will be back in New Year. I'll give you a call when I get back.'

'Flying home? Give me a call?' These words rang in my ears.

 Three weeks seemed like eternity, and it IS a doomed eternity for us, being at a very delicate stage.

'This will probably be the last time I ever see you. Don't go,just forget your friend.' I knew I was being selfish, but I had no confidence at all in meeting you again after that.

'I have to go, he is in big trouble. I will call you when I am back okay?'

'No, you won't. You know you won't. You never call. You never text. And it's such a long time.'

'It's just four... three weeks. I'll be back by New Year.'

By New Year.

New Year symbolises new beginnings, I knew I won't be waiting for you as I had waited enough but you didn't know that, so you didn't see why I was so sad.

You couldn't leave me so you had to lie, you promised to be back after you checked that your friend was alright.

I half-believed it. So I waited.

Of course, your friend wasn't alright, so you never returned. That's your forte - disappearing.

Will you remember the scene? Us standing in the middle of a room with  tables full of other bar-goers, me hugging you, burying my face on your chest, desperately asking you not to leave, you circling me with your arms, explaining apologetically, promising to be back?

I don't think you will. Just like I don't think I will either.

That was the end of us. I will never see you again.

男生对女生的体贴 － 1

那晚，我穿着高跟鞋，一路上坑坑洞洞的，极不好走。你走在前头，不时回头望着，注意着我的脚步，就怕我踏错步，摔着了。
我小心翼翼的走着，你一路回头看着， 好不容易走到停车场门口。天呀！我还要走下一个陡峭的斜坡。这简直是欺负人！我的鞋可是四寸高，怎么走得了？ 好朋友伸出她的手臂好让我搀扶。我扶着她，走了几步，就撒娇着说：另外一个人才是应该扶着我的。 你听到了，没好气地伸出你的左手让我扶着你，慢慢地走下斜坡。我笑了，得意得跟什么似的，你静静的，就让我扶着，缓缓地走下斜坡。
这一幕很深很深地印在我的记忆里。以后每次我走在这里，我都会想起这一个清凉的夜晚，你静静地，有点无奈又哭笑不得地伸出手让刚认识你不久的，刁蛮的我扶着，我们两个一起走着。我的得意，你的体贴，我都记得。

女生对男生的心思 - A girl's feeling for a boy

女生对男生的心思体现在她愿意为了他而调整她鞋子的高度。尤其是体现在愿意割舍心爱的高跟鞋而换上平底鞋就因为她喜欢的男生个子不高。 男生粗心, 有多少个会注意到的?

初次见面的她是穿着一双很漂亮的高跟鞋， 她个子挺高，加上鞋子就高过一般男生。他个子不太高，面对面站着的时候他暗暗揣测和估量彼此的身高。女生眼尖心细，注意到了但不说破。

回家后，女生急急忙忙地买了平时是绝对不会考虑的平底鞋。一边付账，一边还说服自己说我这是买给自己上班穿着舒服的。

高跟鞋一样每天穿去上班逛街，独独是在会遇到他的地方她会偷偷地换上一双平底鞋，一边还懊恼着鞋子看起来太新，太明显了。

穿着平底鞋站在他身边，看他其实暗暗松了一口气， 她笑了。看他惊讶怎么另外一个女生比平日高了不少，她又笑了，心想：傻瓜，那是因为她正和她喜欢的男生怄气呢。

A girl's feeling for a boy is often shown in her willingness in adjusting the height of her heels for him, this is especially apparent in her being ready to give up her beloved heels and put on flats instead just because the boy that she likes isn't very tall. Boys are usually oblivious to details, how many of them would even notice that?

The first time they met, she was wearing a beautiful pair of high heels. She's quite tall, rocking those heels she was taller than average boys. The boy isn't very tall, when they were chatting, standing face to face, he was secretly measuring and estimating their heights. The girl, having observed that yet being considerate, kept quiet.

After she got home, she rushed to the store and quickly bought a few pairs of flats that she normally wouldn't every lay her eyes on. Being in denial, she was convincing herself that she was buying these shoes for her work.

However, her high heels are still her staple when she goes to work and goes out. Only when she is going to a place where she has the chance of bumping into the boy does she put on her flats. Wearing her flats, she scrutinized them, and was worried that they look so new. 

Wearing her flats and standing beside him again, she smiled when she noticed that he actually heaved a sigh of relief. She smile even sweeter when the boy was surprised at another girl looking much taller than usual. Silly, that's because she is being angry at the boy she likes. 

What's your tales of love? Tell me your story and I will write it out for you

So I have been sharing my previous blog to my friends and some of them are surprised by the content, saddened by the stories, and happy to have found them in my blog entries. Encouraged by their response, I decided to open a blog solely focusing on the tales and tears of love.

This blog is for me to capture the beautiful yet fleeting moments that can only be captured by words, not even memories as they fade or pictures as they are very surface. So sometimes my memories of you might have faded to the extent that even pictures cannot make me recall anything, my words will, my words will remind me how I felt and how you made me feel. If you stumbled upon my blog and recognised yourself in the blog entry and finally, albeit too late, noticed/realised the heartbreak you brought, don't worry, I might have probably healed and moved on, no matter how sad my words seem.

I write about conversations I remember, the heartbreaking farewells I have had to go through, and the beautiful things and people I have had the chance to see. Some stories are not mine, but my friends' because they want to see how their story is presented by an emotional writer like me.

I'm going to write a series called 'the first time we met', this is a challenging task as I will have to record and describe everything - the setting, the background, the atmosphere, our appearance and the other people and things involved. I have tried once and it almost became a novel! I will try again soon.

So, just tell me your story and I will write it out for you.