Saying Goodbye

I remember me standing there,  looking at you walking towards me.
I remember I was feeling calm, 'hey, I'm actually feeling okay,' I said to myself, 'maybe I will do okay this time around,  maybe I won't cry.'

You walked to me, and with your usual smile on your face, you pulled me closer to you, wrapping me in your arms.

A moment of silence as none of us knew what to say...

You held me close, I buried my face on your chest, you rested your chin on the top of my head.  A few moments later, you gave me a really tight hug, squeezing me with your strong arms. I knew it was your way of saying goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye... 'I will never be able to see him again' that thought crossed my mind and hit me hard. And so incontrollably, I started crying. 

Tears just wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks. I hated myself for crying because I really didn't want you to see it, I really didn't want to make it hard for you. I knew for a fact that despite everything,  despite we both knew what we were getting ourselves into, it was not easy for you to leave.

'Don't cry,' you said, sounding a bit guilty and very concerned.

'... ... I'm not crying,' I mumbled defiantly.

I pulled myself away, walked away from you, wiping away my tears,  sorting out my tangled messy hair, then turned to face you again, with a smile on my face.

You hugged me again,  maybe because you knew I was terribly sad and really needed your hug, maybe because you were sad yourself and really wanted to hug me. And in your arms,  I broke into tears again,  sobbing heavily despite my best efforts. You chest heaved up, I knew that you were taking a deep breath to calm down, so I looked up, and I saw you looking sad, almost tearing up.

'It doesn't get any easier,  does it?' I asked, feeling amused by the situation, by life's cruelty when it comes to destiny, by my helplessness in trying to keep people around me. And you, you'd said goodbyes many times to people yet it didn't seem any easier for  you.

'No, it doesn't,' you replied, a bit defeatedly. Then you smiled gently at me. 'Happy days,' you said,  holding me close, 'we'll keep in touch,' you said and I chuckled at your words, you and I both know that meant nothing much. 'Maybe I will show you my country one day,' you said, and I nodded obediently,  acknowledging your sincerity in the offer and promising to visit you -- disregarding the slim chance.

'So... I'll go....take care and... I'll see you when I see you,' finally you said. One last embrace and you took the luggage and started walking towards the station while I started walking towards my car. 'Don't look back, don't look back,' I said to myself, but I did look back and so did you. Once... twice... three times until it was too far and it became impossible to glance back.

I got into my car, the journey home was full of tears.

That was the last time I saw you, I don't think I will ever see you again. No, I know I will never see you again.